Before too many Unbreakable jokes could be made about Greg’s inability to stay healthy, however, even better material surfaced when nude pictures Greg had taken of himself in a mirror were leaked in January 2010. Few people who saw the pictures had any sympathy for Greg; the only real takeaway was that his genitalia are exactly as big as you would think they would be. This would have been the most embarrassing moment of anyone’s life, but for an introvert who values his privacy?
After those pictures hit the Internet, Greg says he locked himself in his house for three straight days until Portland personnel knocked on his door and essentially dragged him to the gym for rehab. Going forward, he found it difficult to show his face in public, assuming everyone was thinking about the pictures and laughing to themselves.
“I wish it wouldn’t have happened,” he said. “But I’m not going to apologize for it. After all, I’m human and there are worse things that 21-year-olds could do. I just got caught up with women throwing themselves at me. When a girl sends me 100 pictures, I have to send something back every now and then. I’m not an asshole.”
Wow. That was the realest shit an athlete has ever said in the history of sports journalism.
This is the famous Greg Oden article from Bill Simmons’ GrantLand. To those that didn’t read yet, by no means was the above excerpt the focus. It was actually one of the least significant parts. But when I read that, I spit my fucking coffee out.
What truth. What honesty. I just could not get over it. That quote is just so raw, I was actually inspired to share some dick pic insight of my own. After seeing some conversations online from amateurs on the subject, I feel obligated to speak up.
First off, I don’t want to get into this, but Oden is spot on 100% right. Only an asshole wouldn’t respond to that many nude pics with a cock shot of their own. You can get away with receiving a few here or there and not returning, but to not eventually return at all? That’s just ignorant and immature. Wake up fellas. It’s 2012. That whole attitude of like “I never go down on bitches” and “I’m all about getting mines” doesn’t fly anymore. Bitches got smart. They learned how to read and shit. So I’m not arguing or debating this subject. If you don’t know this you are a fucking lame.
Anyway, everyone that knows me knows I freak the fuck out every time someone grabs my phone and tries to go through my pictures. This is because I literally have hundreds of pictures of my cock on my phone.
Now, you might think that’s pretty weird for a straight male to have so many pictures of dicks on their phone. That’s pretty easy to explain. My girlfriend has been out of the country for a long period of time. That’s 100% an acceptable answer in society nowadays. Were into this shit, and much like my boy Greg Oden only an asshole wouldn’t send some back.
I mean I’ll keep it real too, there was a dark period in my life where I was exchanging nude pics with virtual strangers a few years back…but that’s a story for another day.
So, like I said, a long distance relationship is a good answer and takes a lot of heat off my back, but then people always ask why I have SO MANY dick pics on my phone. Like one or 2 to the GF seams reasonable, but why hundreds? This is where it gets interesting but more complicated.
I’ve seen plenty of articles discussing the best in class techniques of shooting a dick pic, the proper protocol of sending/receiving, and even cock shot etiquette. But rarely discussed are the foundational ideologies behind the presentation style of dick pics.
I have a theory on cock shot presentation. There are 2 basic ideologies behind every man that sends out pictures of their meat on the reg; “The Idealist Vs The Realist Dick Pic Photograph”.
I’ll start with the “Idealist”. I should let you know, although I started my dick pic career as an Idealist, I have since matured and I’m heavily against this practice. The Idealist is the type of person that when his number is called, he already has his perfect dick pic on deck ready to go. That’s because the idealist has long before taken this photograph. This is achieved through a variety of ways. One possibility is at some point when taking a previous dick pic, that lucky bastard just hit the jackpot and took the perfect dick picture. Men and women all can relate, every once in a while you just take the most perfect nude camera phone picture. This is like getting a perfect game in baseball. It’s random, it’s unexpected, but in the hands of the idealist it sets them up for life. A lot of these people don’t even know they’re idealists.
Then you have the “extreme idealist dick photographers”. These sick bastards put serious time and effort into this shit. They sit down, sometimes even as an anticipatory move and take a whole photo shoot of their dick. They snap every possible angle and pose. They alter lighting, play with shadow effects, and often incorporate props. More or less they are trying to tell a story with their dick pics. These types have also been known to even use photo altering software such as Photoshop and Instagram to really get the most out of their cock shot and hide imperfections. Many consider themselves artists.
Then you have people like me; the “realist dick pic photographers”. We chose to give the recipient the most up-to-date accurate image of our cocks. When you get a picture of my dick, you see exactly what my dick looks like that very second. It’s literally like you are in the room with me. The location, the lighting, etc. all of what you see in the image is exactly what you would see in real life at that moment. There is no smokescreen, no digital modification, just raw cock. In the dick pic game, that is as real as it gets. This is why I have so many god damn pictures of my own penis on my phone.
For instance say I sent a few dick pics out on Monday. Then I find myself in a situation just a day or two later where another dicture is needed to a different person. An Idealist would go back and just resend their favorite dick pic from the last photo shoot. Not only do I find that unethical, but it’s also just plain lazy. A realist goes into the bathroom and takes a brand new set of pictures even knowing they have perfectly good ones taken just hours ago. Realist have morals and understand it’s not about sending out the best dick pic possible, it’s about sharing an intimate experience through technology. Their goal is to make the recipient feel like they are actually in the room with them that very moment. It’s an elegant and beautiful way to live your dick pic life.
A lot of you might think this is completely meaningless. Like does it really matter? Shouldn’t the goal just be to exchange pics so both parties are turned out and excited for the next inevitable sexual encounter?
Fucking rookies, yo.
What you have to understand is in the underground sexting scene, time stamps are a major issue plaguing the nude pic community, especially among strangers meeting online. Right now I’m in my early twenties and based on these bullshit Google analytic reports, a lot of yall are young too. The reason so many young people mistakenly become idealists is because you don’t really see much physical change in your twenties. So it’s no big deal to just send an old nude picture. But as I’m sure many of you are realizing, time flies. You start just sending out the same nude because you think you look good or you’re lazy, think it really doesn’t matter.
BUT, before you know it, a few months pass and you realize you’re pushing a dick pic almost a year and a half old. This is an incredibly dangerous downhill slope. When does it end? I have seen so many good men fall down this path. You won’t even realize it until one day you look up and you’ve been sending almost decade old pictures of your dick out. Then you decide to finally take a new picture because even you have become sick of it over the years. That’s when the cold reality hits. Your meat is looking washed up. It just doesn’t have the same glow and energy it used to when you were out slanging dick to hoes in your twenties. You might laugh, but it is a very harsh reality to accept. You know what happens next? You realize you have no choice but to send the old picture. Because Idealist just simply cannot bear to show a less appealing picture if they know they have a better one. They just can’t.
It’s because of idealist that the game gets fucked up. You got 50 yr old women sending pictures of when they were 18 and 100 pounds lighter. You got 60 year old dudes sending pictures of their erections in their twenties when they can’t even get a boner anymore. In my dark, underground, nude pic days I alluded to earlier, this was a huge fucking problem. Bitches never believed it was actually me in the pics. I had to go to ridiculous lengths to prove it. Like fucking putting my dick next to calendars, newspapers, and even finding television shows with time stamps on it like the evening news. Do you know how fucking hard it is to take a decent cock shot when you have to prove the date at the same time? I’m a realist man, I don’t use props. I’m not built that way. It really fucks with my focus.
Worst than that, because I realized how big of an issue this is, now I don’t believe anything I get. I always assume it’s some dude pretending to be a girl or an 80 year old or some shit. My head is totally fucked.
Now that I have explained the basic concepts, I just want to leave you with a final plea to idealist. Idealist, please cut this shit out. I don’t think you people have bad intentions, there are plenty of ways to get sucked down that path. But you need to realize what you are doing is fraudulent. It’s just not real. You are fucking up the game. It goes beyond just sexting too man. You got bitches on Facebook just posting picks from 5 years ago and profile pics from 2009 and shit. Listen, sweetheart I know that picture from 2007 Spring Break was your best bikini shot ever, but you have to move on. I don’t want to see you in your ideal state, I wanna see you right now. Why do you think Zuckerberg spent millions changing Facebook’s entire structure to “Timeline”? What, you thought it was for functionality/creativity purposes? It was his attempt to combat the idealist crisis. Now you can choose the year when you’re creeping. Zuck understands this problem, you should too.
So realists, lets take the game back. Let’s make the sexting, dick pic, and social media game more honest again like the good old days before it spirals completely out of control.
Keep it real.
PS – The sequence of dick pics in my phone is crazy, I have to delete all this shit. I just got lazy and forgot. Like It’s a picture of me in Mexico on vacation with my family, followed by a picture of my dick in Mexico. Set of pics in NYC, then my dick in NYC. So on and so on.
PPS – What was gayer my giant article on dicks or the GrantLand writer’s quote here —>“Few people who saw the pictures had any sympathy for Greg; the only real takeaway was that his genitalia are exactly as big as you would think they would be.”