Worst Way Ever to Die?: Russian Girl Gets Lost and Dies In City Catacombs After New Years Eve Party

So these are the remains of a 19-year-old girl who just wanted to have fun. She and her potentially fiend friends were partying it up in the Odessa catacombs of Russia on New Years Eve in 2005, just cause why not. The catacombs are a massive network of tunnels that were used for mining in the late 1800′s and early 1900′s that span across 1,500 FUCKING MILES of the city’s underbelly. Apparently they drunkenly forgot this poor girl there. She wasn’t found until two years later when a group of kids stumbled upon her body.

So just to drive this nightmarish scenario home, this Reddit user posted the most ball jittering, night terror inducing breakdown about how this unfathomably terrible way to die probably occurred:

Can you imagine it? Walking alone in utter darkness, just your hand on the wall. Your mouth dry from dehydration, your throat and lungs burning from the rank air and the countless hours of screaming for help. Your feet blistered messes and your legs sore to the point of exhaustion. Just walking. Nothing around you but solid darkness and cold damp walls in every direction. You’d have so much time to reflect on your life, everyone you’ve known, every event replaying over in your head. Somewhere along the line it hits you: “You aren’t getting out.” I wonder if she broke down and stopped moving on, giving in to despair or dehydration, sobbing to herself as she slumped to the cold hard ground. Nothing to comfort her, nothing to give hope. Or perhaps she kept going until she physically could not, driven by either the hallucinations that gave her false promise of salvation, or by the sheer will to live, keeping her going until she finally collapsed from exhaustion and dehydration. I also wonder if the rats started to eat her before she was completely dead.

Are you fucking kidding me!? As @oakshades mentioned to me before, this is what happens when you lose the Fiend Lottery. No disrespect to the girl, but I think everyone reading Super Mookin’ Fiends can testify to waking up after blacking out and thinking “holy fuck I need a Gatorade” followed by “I’m lucky I’m not dead.”

For the NYU fiends, I think we have it more than anyone. Yes we don’t have catacombs filled with guns and equipment from World War II, drugs and decomposing bodies, but we’ve got taxis and shit! How did my brain manage to navigate itself across this minefield of fiendery? That shit is different than navigating a super huge quad after 30 Natty Lights. Not only is that wake up in your apartment or dorm bed terrifying thinking about how you missed getting truck sticked by a cab or sodomized by a homeless man, but you also probably sent some dumbass texts.

But as the resident “Fucked Up, Life Shattering Material Fiend” of SMF, I look at things like this cause it puts all that shit in perspective.

Now that I’ve done my job of ruining your day, should I take the Bears ML tonight?

-Droog

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Super Mookin Sunday Funday : Movie Ninjas?

A London cinema has hired a ‘Ninja Task Force’ to target bad behavior during its films. The Prince Charles Cinema in Leicester Square has teamed up with Morphsuits for the scheme. Morphsuits contacted the cinema to trial the scheme, and the cinema has since recruited a team of volunteers to “guard” films. In return, the volunteers get to watch the films for free.

Morphsuits co-founder Gregor Lawson commented: “I’m a big fan of going to the cinema, but there’s an unspoken code of conduct when you’re watching a movie that some people just don’t understand.”
He also described his “eureka moment”, saying: “When some fans were discussing being ninjas in their Morphsuits on our Facebook page I had a eureka moment. I thought I’d find a cinema and see if we could bring a light-hearted task force to the aid of movie fans.”

Paul Vickery, head of PR at the cinema, said: “The ‘Cinema Ninjas’ may sound ludicrous, but they have been a real success in clamping down on those ruining films for everyone else with inconsiderate behavior.”
The ‘ninjas’, dressed in black all-in-one Lycra suits, place themselves in the darkest areas of the cinema before tackling inconsiderate behavior such as talking or the use of mobile phones.

Cinema-goer Abdul Stagg described the moment two Lycra-clad figures appeared beside him as “terrifying”. He had accepted a phone call as the film was about to start. Morphsuits hope to roll the scheme out nationwide to help other cinemas tackle the issue.

You know what’s more annoying, distracting and way louder then texting in a movie theater? BEING SURPRISED ATTACKED BY FUCKING PHONE NINJAS MID TEXT TELLING YOUR MOM YOU CAN’T TALK CAUSE YOU’RE IN A MOVIE. Maybe you should have designated theaters where people who get this upset about people talking/texting can congregate and check their phones into a locker? I don’t know. Let a ninja try and interrupt me tweeting about what ever the fuck I want to tweet about and I will fucking stab someone.

@oakshdes

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UnemployedProfessors.com

A Montreal-based website is offering college students the chance to have their essay penned by a real-life unemployed college professor in exchange for cash.

Not surprisingly, unemployedprofessors.com is ruffling more than few academic feathers, with many seeing its service as highly unethical.

But the site makes no effort to hide its less-than-educational approach to education.

“Isn’t it really unethical for you to be writing these essays for cash?” asks one of the questions on the site’s FAQ. “Incredibly so,” the site responds, “and because the academic system is already so corrupt, we’re totally cool with that. We even all have matching tweed t-shirts.”

The site, which currently employs some 30 professors, lets students submit project guidelines and has its stable of professors bid for the essay.

“The idea that it could be legitimate for any professor to sell their brain, when they know better than anyone that papers are assigned for students to learn,” Concordia University associate dean of academic services Catherine Bolton told Postmedia News. “There are for sure teaching assistants and graduate students who do this, but professors?

Yo I’ve made probably $8,000 in my life writing papers for people and I’ve never been a college professor. Good for these mugs. Fuck the system. It’s a joke. Your college degree doesn’t guarantee you shit. Your GPA doesn’t matter. You’re more likely to get a job cause you smoked mad mook with the homie on your floor who’s dad happens to be a VP at a Fortune 500.

@oakshades

PS. School does matter for some people tho. You wanna be a doctor, lawyer or scientist? Then get your fucking GPA up. Other then that? Make sure you fucking learn how to read, write and socialize with random completely different fiends better.

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Mike Francesa Falls Asleep Mid Show

If you’re not from the Tri-State area or a diehard sports fan, you won’t realize how funny this shit is but this shit is fucking hysterical. I grew up listening to sports radio. It was the only way I could fall asleep at night. I’ve always thought that I belonged on the radio talking my shit. It’s the best job ever. I talk shit about sports all day everyday for free. Mike Francesa is like the biggest caricature of sports radio, he just talks his shit, no facts nothing to back up his statements other then his swag. GET ME THIS JOB. SOMEONE GET ME THIS JOB.

@oakshades

PS. Zay sent me this yesterday and I didn’t peep till just now so shout out to that russian motherfucker.

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‘Entourage’ Movie Screenplay Finally Completed By Creator Doug Ellin; Picks Up 6 Months After TV Series Left Off

The Entourage bad boys are almost back. Exactly one year ago, the HBO series ended its eighth and final season with soap opera schmaltz but also a Hollywood cliffhanger: agent Ari Gold as a newly minted studio mogul. That obviously set up the movie which Entourage creator Doug Ellin wanted to write one day. Well, I can now report that’s sooner rather than later: Ellin is on page 110 of his screenplay and “gonna finish by Sunday (I pray)”, he emails me. Ellin notes that no one wants to see the movie greenlighted by HBO more than the series’ WME packaging agent Ari Emanuel (the prototype for Gold) and executive producers Mark Wahlberg and Steven Levinson. Ellin says that Wahlberg keeps promising “to kill me if I don’t write faster. Every time I see him, Mark says, ‘I’ve made 5 movies this year. Get going!”

Ellin explains that he first needed time off after spending “10 years of my life” on the TV series that premiered on HBO in 2004. In the meantime, Ellin is under an overall deal at HBO and continued to develop for the pay cable network. He did an HBO comedy pilot starring Ed Burns that wasn’t picked up. Ellin and his producing partner Jim Lefkowitz also developed another HBO project, the boxing drama Da Brick, with Spike Lee and Mike Tyson and John Ridley. When Ellin got down to penning the Entourage screenplay, he told me he felt “renewed momentum”.

He says his script starts about 6 months after the TV series leaves off. “There are interesting developments about Ari as a studio head, and that’s still the first page for me. But foremost is the friendship between the guys who are still hanging out and going to fun parties, and it continues with the same characters.” Ellin has kept in touch with all the key castmembers: Jeremy Piven (“Ari”), Adrian Grenier (“Vince”), Kevin Dillon (“Drama”), and especially Kevin Connolly (“E”) and Jerry Ferrara (Turtle”) who are two of Ellin’s closest friends. Those Entourage actors have been getting other gigs while HBO has been paying Ellin for the script.

HBO brass Richard Plepler and Michael Lombardo have cautioned publicly that they’ve only heard “a very general pitch” and need to read the completed script and make deals with the cast before deciding to go forward. Ellin is optimistic. “I’m excited. I feel a lot of positive energy,” he tells me. “Everywhere I go, people ask me, ‘Where’s the movie?’”

The Entourage feature will have similar Hollywood send-ups and snark which have been missing from the HBO sked but also from the TV landscape in general. That’s because it’s tough to write a good showbiz sitcom or dramedy or 120-minute motion picture. Certainly Entourage had its ups and downs quality-wise. I was mixed in my assessment over the years, alternately castigating it for not showing the down and dirty Hollywood, and occasionally praising it for less predictability and more realism. But with the Jewish High Holy Days coming, I’ll always recall my favorite Entourage episode: the one that had Ari doing business in the temple aisles during Yom Kippur services. (‘The Return Of The King’ was written by Ellin and Brian Burns.) And I’m grateful to Ellin for replacing Variety with Deadline Hollywood as the showbiz must-read. (That Season 6 scene was a shocker when agent Terence says to Ari Gold, “I’ll fuck Nikki Finke before I let her affect my business decisions.”) In fact, Ellin recently emailed: “I have you in a scene currently. The world wants you on camera!”

The vast majority of Entourage fans want an R-rated movie with an abundance of broads and boobs and cameos by genuine Hollywood bigwigs as well as decent plotting and character arcs. Hopefully, Ellin has written that and more. So it’s worth repeating the warning I posted a year ago, “Goodbye Entourage as a TV series. Now just don’t come back as an embarrassingly lame movie.”

LET’S FUCKING GO.

I don’t care that the show got wack and always worked its way out too perfectly. This is my dream. All I want to do is make it and bring the homies with me. That’s what Entourage is. It’s not the best show ever but it might be my favorite.

@oakshades

VIA

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Dope Fucking Wall

I need this shit in my bedroom so I can hypnotize bitches into touching my privates.

@oakshades

PS. Moving fucking walls and we still don’t have sidewalks that will make me even more lazy yet. Bullshit. Give me moving sidewalks over moving walls every day b.

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2 Chainzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz Droppin Buckets

2 Chainz used to be Tity Boi and Tity Boi used to be Tauheed Epps of North Clayton High School in College Park, Ga. ESPN threw this up recently when they figured that Tauheed was now riding around and getting it.
Peep the Bankhead Bounce after the buzzer tho.

@oakshades

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Meth is Serious Huh?

Like I’ve watched Intervention and seen what Meth does… Even crazier then that was one of the Juniors on the NYU Basketball team was dating a model when I was a young frosh. She was bad as fuck man. Like I was 17 and I was fucking in shock that hoes like this dated NYU students. Then I found out she liked Meth. Then a year later I saw her and she looked like a fucking shell of her once gorgeous self. Meth is real as fuck. I won’t ever do it. I thought about it, only cause I wanna know what drives fiends to throw their lives away, but then I realized that I can’t stop mookin sour and if I can’t stop mookin sour… I’d prolly mook all the meth in the world.

@oakshades

PS. Dr.Phil has the best job in the world. Him and Steve Harvey. They get paid to just talk shit to people. I’m ready ABC. Give me a shot.

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The Sheryl Crow Theory of Cell Phones

I can’t tell if she’s fucking insane or dead on. I’ve had my fair share of super mooked conversations with various fiends about how or iphones are 100% murdering us and now I’m freaking the fuck out. MOTHERFUCKING WAVES OF DATA ARE FLYING AROUND/THRU US ALL DAY EVERYDAY. The WiFi is killing the bees and shit. FUCK WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE.

@oakshades

PS. Or it could be the High Fructose Corn Syrup?

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Dave Chappelle, Questlove and Neal Brennan Hung Out With Prince

Zay put me on to Bill Simmons’ blog back in like 2008. I fuck with him cause he’s a relatively normal dude. Loves some pop culture. Thinks he’s way funnier then he is, but is still funny. And he’s a ride or die sports fan. All that being said, he is a blatant NE homer and honestly I can’t be that mad cause I’m a blatant NYC homer. SO I’m gonna stop rambling about this shit and just watch the fucking video. I need some fucking coffee.

@oakshades

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