The Jersey Shore Really Ruined Real Life For Me

I think I’ve overdone it a little bit. You might be asking yourself “What the fuck is this weird video of white people in the dark @oakshades posted?” That my friends is a microcosm of our weekend at The Jersey Shore. I’m not gonna lie, I don’t have a long or funny post about what went down but get this shit straight right now… white people drink like no other race in the world. It’s ridiculous. What time do you think that video takes place at? (Jeopardy Music) … SIX 30 PM. SIX FUCKING THIRTY IN THE EVENING. It looks like 4 am at Pacha in that bitch. Oh btw it was fucking monsooning outside. Seriously it was like a hurricane. The power went out… and when the power goes out the guids get to singing. We spent maybe 24 hours at the Shore and I swear to god we only ingested alcohol. Barely ate. Drank no water. THERE WAS NO WATER IN THE CRIB. STRICTLY BEERS AND LIQUOR. At one point someone handed me a Rolling Rock and Vodka. WE HAD NO CHASERS SO THEY USED BEER AS A MIXER. I bought four bottles of champagne for @OfficiallyZay’s birthday and I think one was drank? I think the rest were used as decorations for the ceiling. I don’t understand how fiends wake up and start drinking and smoking at 11am and don’t stop till they are asleep and then they rinse and repeat the next day. It doesn’t make sense. I sat at my desk yesterday shaking. I don’t know if it was like withdrawals or if my body was just in shock that there wasn’t drugs or alcohol any wear near me. My brain still feels like silly putty. Aight I gotta go back to concepting shitty fucking ideas for a huge brand that only produces shitty fucking ideas so I’m gonna leave you with a list of things that happened to the Fiends in Belmar.

1. One fiend tackled another fiend (he is now concussed) and almost got everyone arrested.
2. That concussed fiend then puked up half a cheese pizza in the only working sink in the crib.
3. There were two holes in the ceiling… when we left there were 6.
4. One fiend got a ticket for drinking on the beach. He was black. 8 cops showed up to give him the ticket.
5. One fiend passed out, woke up, schneefed two FAT lines and then fell right asleep. Then spoke these words ‘THAT’S THE MOST FUCKED UP I’VE BEEN IN YEARS… SINCE LIKE SOPHOMORE YEAR OF HS’.
6. One fiend bought a $40 bottle of Peanut Butter and Jelly Vodka… then two fiends drank the whole thing.
7. I smoked a blunt with a meth head and tried to get her to give me a handjob.
8. Someone stole my Mosley Tribes… I think it was the methhead who I tried to get to give me a handjob.
9. One fiend awoke from the dead, schneefed a few fat lines of yams and then spent $200 on the shot wheel… may or may not have been me.
10. ‘Call Me Maybe’ became ‘Fuck My Asshole’

@oakshades

PS. I gotta cook on work and @wave_bandana is currently writing a love letter to the Fiends after spending a week on Block Island. We’ll have ya’ll giggling again in no time.

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Zombies + Megamillions = WHAT THE FUCK HOW DID I NOT DO THIS?

I’m so confused. I’ve been obsessed with Zombies and the Megamillions for years. I’m legitimately heartbroken that DDB did this shit. Fuck me man.

@oakshades

PS. I will write the greatest Zombie movie of all time… OF ALL TIME.

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Comedians In Cars Drinking Coffee

I’m pretty fucking excited for this. I’m a standup comedy geek and I listen to Podcasts all day so this is pretty much a wet dream come true minus all the gay feelings that would go with having a wet dream about a Jerry Seinfeld web series. I’m fascinated with the standup comedy career arc. Look at Seinfeld. Killed it in the late 80s early 90s. And then dropped out of mainstream TV. No huge HBO specials every year. Just little shit here and there. Why? The dude who epitomizes this is Eddie Murphy. WHAT THE FUCK FAM? You kill the game with Delirious and Raw… and then spend the next 20 years making terrible movies? I don’t get it.

@oakshades

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Teenager on Shrooms Shot Himself in the Head to ‘Wake Up’ from Bad Trip

Authorities say a Florida teen shot himself in the forehead while under the effects of magic mushrooms because he thought he was dreaming and wanted to wake up.

17-year-old Steve Tilbury managed to survive the gunshot and was rushed to the hospital where doctors were able to extract the bullet from his forehead.

The teen claimed he fell asleep shortly after he and his friends consumed mushrooms and, when he awoke, “it felt like it wasn’t real.” Believing he was still dreaming, Tilbury grabbed a .22-caliber rifle from his parents bedroom, returned to his room, and fired once at his forehead.

“Tilbury said he thought if he shot himself he would wake up from the bad dream,” investigators were quoted as saying.

Still unable to “wake up,” Tilbury attempted to clean up the bloody scene, bandaged himself up, and left the house. He came across a man and asked to be taken the hospital.

Tilbury insists he is not suicidal. “No, I just wanted to wake up from the bad nightmare,” he told deputies. “I am happy and I love my life.”

Mushrooms are powerful as shit. This dude is full of the aforementioned shit.

The teen claimed he fell asleep shortly after he and his friends consumed mushrooms and, when he awoke, “it felt like it wasn’t real.”

Get the fuck outta here with this bullshit man. No shot you grubbed mushrooms and fell asleep. NOPE. None.

Tilbury insists he is not suicidal. “No, I just wanted to wake up from the bad nightmare,” he told deputies. “I am happy and I love my life.”

I’d believe you bro but you know who has to say they aren’t suicidal and that they love their lives? People who are suicidal, hate their lives and/or tried to kill themselves by shooting themselves in the fucking face. This is the kinda shit that fucks it up for everyone. I bet you 50 people committed suicide on prescription pills and alcohol last night but the sensationalized media focuses on one dumb fucking suicidal kid who is most likely depressed cause he can’t get a blowjob.

@oakshades

PS. Or the dude ate too many shrooms and is so dumb that he almost Inceptioned himself.
PPS. I gave myself anxiety attacks of shrooms so I know how powerful those bitches can be… that being said, never once thought I was having a bad dream and that I had to kill myself to get out of it. Definitely have thought I was on the real life Truman Show or that humans were actually animals in a big zoo, Earth, being watched by aliens across the universe.

VIA

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Pop That – French Montana, Rick Ross, Drake and Lil Wayne [VIDEO]

You know what this video needs? More sexy scantily clad hoes and more ciroc.

@oakshades

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J.Cole Freestyle @ Wireless Festival

FUCK.

I tried so damn hard to motivate @FiendBassy to make this last minute #fiendjourney to London to hit this show. Not only was the lineup was fucking insane, I wanted to experience a massive festival in a completely different country.

Nas and Hov at the same damn time
Pac and BIG in the same damn mind

I woulda been on like thirty when I heard Cole spit that. We hit the JShore instead and that shit was pretty fucking wild.

@oakshades

PS. All I wanted to do was roll with @Rihanna. Another opportunity wasted.
PPS. Hi, @Rihanna.
PPPS. YOU SEE OUR BIG BRO ROCKING HUGE FUCKING FESTIVALS IN EUROPE!!!???? DREAMS COMING TRUE BY THE DAILY.

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Fourth of July PSA

You know what’s cooler then having a burned face and losing 3 fingers? Not having a burned face and losing 3 fingers. I don’t get why mugs love fireworks so much… ok I get it. Fire, color, loud noises… DOPE but come on yall. WHY THE FUCK WOULD ANYONE PUT A FIRECRACKER ANYWHERE NEAR THEIR BUTTHOLE??? Last year I went to Jersey to chill with DeuceDeuce’s fam. We mooked, played real life NBA Jam on this like mini court one of his homies has in his backyard, played some whiffleball and ate MADDDDDDDDDDDDD Italian BBQ. We’re chillin when someone starts to set off some firecrackers in front of the house. Dude lights a few big ones and dips out the way. You know what happened next… LIKE 4 OF THESE BITCHES FIRED RIGHT AT ME. Well me and everyone else who was bodided and just chillin watching. One lands in the grill of a car. One lands under the car. One flies in to a tree and I swear to God one misses my face by centimeters. If I hadn’t got a fresh cut and shave in order to try and bag me a Jersey smut, I’d have caught that shit off my crooked ass hairline. Miss me with firecrackers… LITERALLY. Leave the fireworks to Macys and the Dominican niggas up in Washington Heights.

@oakshades

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I Can Not Fucking Stand Pictures Like This…

Look. I’m not a complete asshole/cynical dickhead/hater. As much as I talk about drugs, bitches, and funny shit, I have a huge sentimental side that often comes out in my writing. I absolutely love and crave inspirational content.

For instance, that Buzzfeed viral blog from last week; “21 Pictures That Will Restore Your Faith in Humanity” I was all about that shit. I was tearing up like a motherfucker. I acted like a bitch for about 36 hours after I read that post. Gave mad money away to any crack head that approached me.

Content presented in this form tells a story through photographs that truly inspires you. You could feel the intense pain, joy, and raw emotion through each photo. You were seeing real life, genuine, authentic acts of kindness that were so powerful it truly inspires one to do more for others. It strengthens our internal connection to all humans. Most importantly it allows each person to interpret what exactly it means to them. The thought provocation is endless.

But the kinda shit in my cover picture…GET THIS LAZY SHIT OUT OF MY FACE. I’m so tired of the lack of creativity here. Fucking assholes writing “CHANGE” on their dirty ass, fake ass, hipster hands and feet. How the fuck is this supposed to help? How does this stupid as picture motivate me? This is not art. This is not shit. These are the images a bunch of dickheads who think they are doing something pass around. I fucking can’t stand those kind of people or these kind of pictures. NO SHIT we have to change. SHOW me something that is going to propel me to get off my fat ass and go do something. This is the fucking internet! You have unlimited creative options. You have every tool and piece of information you could possibly need at your finger tips. All that fucking power and you decide to write with a sharpie on some ugly bitch’s foot.

For me to hate on this is really saying something too because I have a sick foot fetish. Ask my girlfriend. Actually better yet, present me with a foot. Give me a sexy foot and I will fuck it right here, right now. I will fuck this foot in front of everyone that wants to watch. I am a foot fucker.

I understand the real issue here is actually going out and doing stuff to make this fucking planet better. I don’t need pictures or the internet to do that. I’m not discussing this shit at all right now. I’m strictly talking to the digital content creators whose job it is to do this, or people that just want to inspire others. You both are wasting your time with shit like this. Instead of writing ”Change” and “Progress” or whatever stupid ass other sayings on ugly people please just take a little longer and try to come up with some motherfucking motivational shit that is actually SHARE WORTHY.

Fuck.

@Wave_Bandana

 

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Presidential Mook Session

HOW THE FUCK IS BILLY CLINTON NOT IN THIS SHIT?

@oakshades

PS. The JFK Moon shit got me to legit laugh out loud.
PPS. Dude has Obama’s voice down but looks nothing like him.

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Kanye West X Pusha T – New God Flow

@Wave_Bandana

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