So I got summoned to Jury Duty today. I love Law & Order, Franklin & Bash, and Legally Blonde, so when @oakshades suggested I come to Jury Duty super mooked I thought it was the best idea ever. I could live out all my court TV show fantasys while being super mooked. Awesome.
WORST. IDEA. EVER.
First off all this place is fucking crawling with Feds. What the fuck was I thinking? I’m a 6’7 fiend walking around brain dead mooked in the NYC Supreme Court house. I stand out like a motherfucker. I feel like everyone here knows I’m mooked. I reek of mook and everyone is giving me weird looks because I’ve fucked up like 9 different questionnaire forms. I could not be more paranoid here. Almost feels like that Vegas Special K incident.
I also handed in the most fiended out Summons of all time. When you get summoned they mail you an important form that you have to bring back to the court clerk. I mistakenly took this document for a piece of scrap paper and used it as a make-shift ash tray when we were mooking this blunt during #MookMondays. It kinda caught on fire a little bit, so not only are there burn marks and ash everywhere but I also accidentally ripped it into like 5 different pieces. So I just handed this poor lady a mooked, ashed, burnt, ripped up court document. She gave me one of those looks like “I deal with crackheads and methheads daily…yet you managed to out fiend them”.
So far shit has been boring as fuck. Maybe I got carried away, but I legitimately thought me and Jack McCoy would be in the trenches making decisions and shit. I was praying for a mook case so that I could get on my soap box and SET ALL THE FIENDS FREE BABY. NOT GUILTY. I would have settled for any case on the topics I discuss here at Super Mookin Fiends. Just any case where I could flex my muscles a little bit and make some attorneys look stupid as hell. As much as I really didn’t want to come here, you have to appreciate this process a little bit. I mean it really is our civil duty. There are some countries where the people don’t get any say at all. They just murder people they deem guilty. This is what being an American is all about.
But now it’s kinda like I just want to get the fuck out of here because im losing my high and shit is wack. They don’t show this boring ass part on TV. Waiting and paper work.
My gameplan is really to look as fiended as possible and just be myself. I filled my last questionnaire out like a fiend (as you can see above). But I’m confident with just being myself because there is no way any lawyer wants an educated, intelligent, highly opinionated person with common sense on their case. They want idiots that they can manipulate. In the first 30 seconds of speaking to me they will know 2 things about me. #1 – I know how people and the world really works and I can see right through your bullshit. #2 I’m a fucking FIEND and I will likely do the exact opposite of what you want just out of spite.
I just got called into a case. It’s an accident on a construction site…is that not the most stereotypical shit ever? I’ll let you fiends know how I do.
Already kicked the fuck off that case!
They wanted absolutely no part of me after the show I just put on. At this point I’ve been deprived of mook, cigarettes, and fiending for a solid 5 hours now. Those of you that know me personally know that I’m as nice and friendly as anyone. But when I don’t get my proper cigarette breaks I turn into an absolute cynical dickhead MONSTER. I answered literally every question the lawyer posed including hypotheticals like an asshole. In 3 mins I had half the potential jurors laughing as I undermioned the shit out of them.
I mean, yeah I was an asshole (it was funny though) but it was their fault. They literally screamed at us to be back from the break at 2pm. They made this whole big ordeal that we can’t start until everyone is back so if one person is late the whole 40 person group suffers. So of course at 2pm everyone is back except them. Then these dick head lawyers come strolling in at 2:18 and had the nerve to say “wow you guys took being here on time seriously”.
Really, you’re gonna treat us like shit? We’re all sitting here waiting for you Is your time more valuable than ours? Keep in mind WE HAVE TO BE HERE LEGALLY AND WERE SELECTED RANDOMELY. Some people in this room have WAY more money than these lawyers. Some have WAY more power. And some have done WAY more to impact the planent than these assholes trying to score a dime off some poor dude’s construction accident. I felt like that was the most disrespectful shit ever. You are wasting my fucking day and acting like you have control over me. Little did they know, I was so mad during their 18 minuetes they made us wait I did some research on their law firm…
Turns out they had some rough economic postings in the first quarter along with a few notable case losses. So after his asshole comment about taking the time thing seriously I stood up and said “Yes we did take it seriously. Do not waste my FUCKING time ever again. You don’t know who we are. You have no control over me nor have done anything noteworthy. You’re acting like your time is more valuable than ours, and after reviewing your firms first quarter economic and case losses, I can assure you its not”. (A little harsh but if you were there, trust me you would have felt the same way with these fucking douche bag faces they had)
They were fucking shocked. I don’t think they’ve been SON-ed like that ever. They started stuttering trying to defend the firm and shit. All the younger kids that looked like mook heads were crying laughing.
What happened next was actually some beautiful shit. A handful of older dudes stood up and supported me. One guy was talking about all the properties he owned that the lawyers could never afford and don’t waste his time either. Other people didn’t have as douchy of comments, but none the less it’s really dope when people of all different races, creeds, ages, and beliefs can come together and shit all over an asshole. That was a really beautiful fiend moment for me man. That’s what humanity is about. Coming together and connecting and shitting on the assholes. I love this shit.
5 minuets later I was excused from the case “for influencing other jurors” and “for past bias against the case”. They also excused anyone that laughed with me or supported me so I got some cheers, head nods, and daps on the way out.
I now have to sit and wait for more potential cases although they moved me to a more isolated section because they can already tell I’m gonna get the people to revolt soon.
Whatever fuck it. At least they gave me a break…
I’ll update soon.
PS – Best excuse I heard to get out of jury duty was to come with a huge bandage on my face. Cause nothing smells like a fiend like a big ass bandaid on your face . What could you have done to fuck your face up? Only something fiended. What a hilarious excuse.
PS – I am not trying to get kicked out. Simply relying on the fact that my true personality will keep me from having to serve. Although if I were selected I would take this shit seriously because I understand it’s peoples lives. I joke around and use satire but I do support the legal system at its core. So If I get picked don’t worry, I probably won’t even mook.