Montclair Just Goes Too Hard

Police tonight shut down what has been billed as the “world’s largest blacklight party” at the Wellmont Theatre in downtown Montclair after a “heavily intoxicated” crowd of several thousand young people became unruly, authorities said. Police from Montclair and surrounding towns were called to the theater along Bloomfield Avenue at about 9 p.m. to disperse a crowd of between 2,000 and 3,000 people outside the theater.

Six people were arrested on charges of disorderly conduct and may face additional charges, Lt. Emil Dul said. In addition, 20 people were taken to area hospitals. A spokeswoman for Mountainside Hospital in Glen Ridge said 10 people — five women and five men between the ages of 18 and 24 — were taken there for treatment of symptoms related to alcohol poisoning.

Montclair Police Chief David Sabagh described the crowd as mainly college-age and “heavily intoxicated.”

“There were three people totally intoxicated who couldn’t stand up,” said Dul, the on-scene commander. “Then I find this girl in a crowd of people passed out and people were walking all over her. I had to drag her out of there with another officer.

He said the crowd was waiting in line outside the theater when about a half-dozen women passed out. He said he didn’t know why they collapsed.

The show was part of the Barstool Blackout Tour, which dubs itself as the “World’s Largest Blacklight Party.”

“World’s largest black out party”??? That’s called fucking 6th period to kids in the Clair. All these college campuses rave about how crazy this party tour is. Montclair kids are so crazy we can’t even handle walking in the venue at 9pm on a weekday.

If you’re from Montclair, I’m sure you’ve had this problem. You leave town or go to college and everyone is immediately on your dick because you’re way cooler than everyone else. I feel you guys, it’s hard out here. You can’t even compare other motherfuckers to us, it’s just not fair. Our humor, logic, lingo, people, it just blows everyone’s minds. Half the time they don’t even know what the fuck we are talking about, but whatever it is they know they just wanna get down with it.

The biggest problem being from the Clair is that our stories about a regular ass day are so fucking insane, people just don’t even believe it. I have to call like 9 people to co-sign every story because an average Monday shits on everyone else’s BEST story from their hometown. None of my non-MTC friends even believe what I say anymore. I’ll start a story like this: “so we left 2nd period to go get high…” and right off the back, “YOU COULD CUT CLASS THAT EASILY??” “YOU COULD SMOKE DURING THE SCHOOL DAY???” Yes motherfucker, that wasn’t even the story. If you would let me finish I could explain how what went down at this dope ass party at 2pm after we escaped a 4,000 person riot on the football field because we had our  28th bomb threat of the month.

It is just so god damn frustrating to try and tell stories people can’t even comprehend the most basic shit. You can’t even get to the good part of the story because you have to stop every 30 seconds and explain something else. Yes, we were allowed to skip class every single day for four years. Yes, we were allowed to leave school at any time. Yes, we smoked 5 times a day and walked around school high out of our minds. Have you ever tried to explain the cosmetic makeup of MTC? Shit is impossible. No one can understand how economically and racially diverse we are. How we have a hood ass section, rich ass section, and everything else in between. How our High School and groups of friends are like 40% white, 40% black, 20% other motherfuckers. How we have the Ivy league students and straight criminals all smoking weed together. Don’t even get me started on the bitches. We have straight dimes. The best part about diversity is we have the hottest bitches from every race out there. And our bitches are dope! They all burn and are actually mad fun to hang out with. Every person is just funnier, crazier, smarter, and more swagged out than the next. Motherfuckers don’t care where your from or what you have, all we care about is do you have $5 on this sour or not.

So let this be a PSA to anyone that ever doubt a story about the most fiended out place on the planet. Trust us, it’s true. I think for a long term solution, we all need to come together and write a book or movie about this shit. But for the short term, all we can do is try to describe the indescribable. And share articles like the one above. You think your hosting the craziest party on the planet? Well, we’re so fiended out that we shut that bullshit down before it even starts.


PS – I wish I could start listing stories, or really explain what I mean, but it just wouldn’t do it justice. I read my Google analytics report every month. I know that thousands of #SMF readers probably have no idea what I’m talking about or what Montclair even is based on their IP locations. I’m sure it’s slightly frustrating to hear me rave about how awesome we are without giving much empirical evidence. But it really can’t be understood through words. You have to have lived it. You couldn’t understand what  a basic week was like. It’s like living in a lawless wild wild west except for way more mook. If that’s not good enough, well, you can suck my dick. This one is for the Clair. I have a high ass reader retention percentage (# of unique visitors that returned after first visit), so that means you have to fuck with me at least a little bit. And if you’re friends with or fucking someone from Montclair, then you already know what I’m talking about.

PPS – Some people complained already that the racial and economic diversity applies to North Jersey and Essex county in general, not just Montclair. I agree with that. But Montclair kids are smarter, funnier, better looking, more wild, more fiended out, and just all around way better than the other parts.

PPPS – This is how I feel right now:

PPPPS – This is a legit movie:

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