“I want to make sure every new computer sold in this country, after I’m president, has installed on it a filter to block all pornography.”
This is a few months old but it needs repeating. During his 2007 presidential run, Mitt Romney claimed he would ensure that all new computers came with a filter to block pornography. Now whether or not he meant this as an on/off switch or a literal super-mega-smut-smacker-blocker is up for debate. Windows and Mac already come with this shit anyway — it’s called parental controls, or Bess, or whatever other stupid thing fucked up your elementary school’s internet. But finding that site that got by the filter was glorious. For my friends and I it was FindSome.com or SmokeBombs.com. Just a fucking beaver or girl blowing smoke on a guys weiner came up in your grill and sent your prepubescent mind spinning. Who could keep it open longest in the 4th grade computer lab? Totally reckless danger. I’m surprised “Highway To The Dangerzone” wasn’t blasting over us.
But it’s not really up for debate with Romney. Dude has admitted he’s taken one puff of a cigarette and one sip of alcohol as a wayward youth. So the real question becomes: does Romney watch porn? More importantly, does he beat off at all?
As far as I know, there’s nothing in the bylaws of our country that say someone cannot be president unless they jerk off at least twice a day. More pertinent to this conversation to me is the almighty “S:J” ratio, also known as the Smoke : J ratio. I guarantee everyone within a friends group will share a relatively similar number. Most people would be 1:1, which could also mean 5:5, or 10:10 (I think). On a good day, specifically a weekend, I’d like to think I can maintain a solid 5:2, or 2:1. I’m not even sure — the smoking number is subjective. What if it’s four blunts spaced out across a Super Smash Bros. for N64 marathon? Is that one or four? Either way, can our country be led by a man who not only has a zero to zero S:J ratio right now, but never had one to begin with?
Rick Santorum wanted to ban pornography, which is even more extreme. Apart from this being a completely retarded idea, it would literally be the hardest thing to enforce in the entire world. Some people treat their porn fandom like they would a classy drinking habit. They choose between an aged fine wine (Lisa Ann), a red ale (Faye Reagan) or a “Retired But Said Really, Really Crazy Shit On Twitter, Like Wanting To Fuck Her Dad” IPA (Bree Olson). Removing the intrinsically American freedom of allowing a frustrated guy who struck out at the bar to come home and open up 321 different tabs on YouPorn and Fapdu would mean the terrorists have won.
And we do not negotiate with terrorists.
PS: Madison Ivy’s Tumblr is nothing but her being ass naked and smoking blunts, glass and holding up bags of weed. It’s out of this world. Possibly even out of this solar system.
PS II: Please look at the kids :40 seconds into this video. The one on the right is like “I knew my dad shouldn’t have forced me to join Young Republicans.”